Parenting is one of the most instinctive things we do — and one of the most emotionally triggering. You may find yourself repeating things you swore you never would. Reacting in ways you don’t recognise. Quietly wondering: Why does this feel so hard sometimes?
Here’s a truth not talked about enough: parenting is not just shaped by what you know. It’s shaped by what you experienced. Some of those experiences live deep in your nervous system, your default reactions, and your emotional tone.
And here’s the other truth: patterns can be broken.
The Emotional Blueprint We Inherit
Much of our parenting is unconscious. It’s the scripts we absorbed as children. The rules we were raised by. The atmosphere we lived in. These early experiences create our blueprint for love, safety, and conflict.
Researchers like Gabor Maté, Dan Siegel, and Susan Forward have shown that emotionally immature parenting often produces adults who struggle with boundaries, emotional regulation, and self-worth. This doesn’t mean your parents didn’t love you. It means they may not have had the tools to model emotional safety. Patterns they inherited became patterns they passed on.
Now, you might be the one holding the awareness they never had.
Four Patterns You Might Be Repeating Without Realising
1. Shaming Instead of Guiding
“You’re being ridiculous.” “What were you thinking?” Shame silences, it doesn’t teach.
Try instead: “What happened just now? Help me understand.”
2. Emotion = Weakness
If your tears were dismissed, your child’s emotions may now trigger unease.
Try instead: “It’s okay to cry. I’m here. We can feel this together.”
3. Obedience Over Connection
When worth was tied to being “good,” we can demand the same of our children.
Try instead: prioritise connection. Cooperation flows more easily when children feel seen (Schore, 2012).
4. Avoiding Repair
Many of us never heard, “I’m sorry.” Ruptures were swept under the rug.
Try instead: “I lost my temper. That wasn’t fair to you. I’m sorry. I want to do better.”
Repair teaches resilience and trust (Tronick, 2007).
What You Might Already Be Doing Right
- You notice when something feels off — that’s awareness.
- You ask, “Where is this coming from?” — that’s reflection.
- You apologise when you mess up — that’s emotional maturity.
- You wonder if there’s a better way — that’s how cycles break.
You don’t need perfect answers. Openness itself is the beginning of healing.
Rupture and Repair Matter More Than Constant Calm
Psychologist Edward Tronick’s research shows that healthy attachment isn’t about avoiding conflict. It’s about repair. When you admit fault, regulate yourself, and reconnect, you teach that relationships can survive hard moments.
Insight
Studies on attachment (Main & Solomon, 1990) confirm that secure attachment is not built on constant calm, but on the ability to repair after rupture.
Children don’t need you to be flawless. They need to know love doesn’t disappear when things get messy.
Parenting as Reparenting
Children often trigger the very wounds we are still healing. That’s not failure — it’s opportunity.
Each time you meet their big feelings with presence, you’re not only parenting them differently, you’re reparenting the younger version of yourself who never got what they needed.
That might look like:
- Soothing them when you were left alone
- Validating them when you were dismissed
- Protecting them when you weren’t protected
Through them, you begin to heal too.
Calm My Mind Parenting Guide: Grounding Reminders
- Your child’s feelings are not a reflection of your failure
- Your triggers are invitations, not indictments
- You are allowed to make mistakes
- You are allowed to change your mind
- You are allowed to grow slowly
- You do not have to parent the way you were parented
The Calm Conclusion
You are not parenting in a vacuum. You are parenting with the weight of your past, the pressure of your present, and the hope of doing better. And that is brave.
Every time you pause, soften, and get curious, you change something. Not just for your child, but for your inner child too.