Parenting is one of the most instinctive and personal things we do and also one of the most emotionally triggering. You might find yourself repeating things you swore you never would. Or reacting in ways you don’t recognise. Or quietly wondering, Why does this feel so hard sometimes?

Here’s the truth no one talks about enough: your parenting isn’t just shaped by what you know it’s shaped by what you experienced. Some of those experiences live deep in your nervous system, your default reactions, your emotional tone.

But here’s the other truth: patterns can be broken.

The Emotional Blueprint We Inherit

Much of our parenting is unconscious. It’s the scripts we internalised as children. The rules we were raised by. The emotional atmosphere we lived in. These early experiences shape our inner landscape, often without us even realising it.

Researchers like Gabor Maté, Dan Siegel, and Susan Forward have shown that emotionally immature parenting often creates adults who struggle with emotional regulation, boundaries, self-worth, and safe connection.

This doesn’t mean your parents didn’t love you. It means they may not have had the tools to model emotionally safe behaviour. If they were raised in environments that didn’t tolerate vulnerability or empathy, they likely passed those patterns on.

And now, you may be holding the awareness they didn’t have.

4 Patterns You Might Be Repeating Without Realising

1. Shaming Instead of Guiding
Phrases like ”What were you thinking?” or ”You’re being ridiculous” may have been normalised in your childhood. But shame doesn’t teach. It silences.

Try instead: ”What happened just now? Help me understand.”

2. Emotion = Weakness
If your own tears were met with dismissal or discomfort, your child’s big feelings may trigger unease in you.

Try instead: ”It’s okay to cry. I’m here. We can feel this together.”

3. Seeking Obedience Over Connection
When our worth was tied to being ”good,” we can carry that expectation into our parenting.

Try instead: Focus on helping your child feel seen, even in conflict. Connection builds cooperation far better than control.

4. Avoiding Repair
Many of us never saw our parents say, ”I’m sorry.” We learned to sweep it under the rug. But rupture without repair breaks trust.

Try instead: ”I lost my temper. That wasn’t fair to you. I’m sorry, and I want to do better.”

What You Might Already Be Doing Right (But Didn’t Know It Counts)

You notice when something feels off. Awareness is the first step toward change.

You ask yourself, ”Where is this coming from?” That’s self-inquiry.

You apologise when you mess up. That’s emotional maturity.

You wonder if there’s a better way. That’s what breaks cycles.

You don’t need to have all the answers. Just being open to reflection makes you a cycle-breaker.

Rupture and Repair Matter More Than Constant Calm

According to leading child psychologists, it’s not about never messing up, it’s about what you do after. Repair is one of the most powerful tools for building emotional security.

When you admit fault, regulate yourself, and reconnect, you’re showing your child what healthy emotional repair looks like. You’re teaching them that relationships can survive conflict. That emotions can be messy but safe. That love doesn’t disappear in hard moments.

This is the model they carry into their own adult relationships.

Parenting as Reparenting

Your child will trigger the parts of you that are still healing. That’s not a flaw, it’s an opportunity.

Each time you meet their big feelings with presence, you’re not only parenting them differently, you’re reparenting the younger version of you who didn’t get what they needed.

That might look like:

Soothing them when you were left alone

Validating them when you were dismissed

Protecting them when you weren’t protected

And through that process, you begin to heal too.

Calm My Mind Parenting Guide: A Few Grounding Reminders

Your child’s feelings are not a reflection of your failure

Your triggers are invitations, not indictments

You are allowed to make mistakes

You are allowed to change your mind

You are allowed to grow, slowly

You do not have to parent like you were parented

Final Thought

You’re not parenting in a vacuum.
You’re parenting with the weight of your past, the pressure of your present, and the hopes for something better. And that’s brave.
Every time you pause, soften, get curious you change something.

Not just for your child.
But for your inner child, too.